


We are a disaster

by Ren



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Comment Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-18
Updated: 2012-01-18
Packaged: 2017-10-29 18:32:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/322860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ren/pseuds/Ren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean is a mess when Cas isn't around. He is a mess when Cas is around, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We are a disaster

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Notte Bianca 4 @ maridichallenge. For the prompt "phone calls in the middle of the night" and the quote.

Sometimes Dean's phone rings in the middle of the night, and he picks it up and says "Cas?" while his brain is still half asleep. At the end of the phone there's a recorded message, or a telemarketer who somehow got hold of his number, and Dean swears and ends the call, tossing the phone against the wall. Sam turns around in his sleep and mutters something, but he doesn't wake up, and that at least is a small blessing. Dean couldn't bring himself to explain why Cas is the first name on his lips every single time. Because Cas never slept and he was the only one who called at three o' clock in the morning as if it was perfectly normal. Because Cas is gone and Dean is trying not to think about it, but it's hard when the phone rings in the middle of the night and Dean is still clinging to the mad hope that it could be him. It takes him a long time to go back to sleep.

 _But tell me your heart doesn't race for a hurricane, or a burning building._

  
Dean doesn't know if he can do this. He's been feeling like this ever since Cas came back, as if he has a huge boulder over his head, as if he is in a burning building and the floor is about to collapse under his feet. He can't do this, he wakes up in the middle of the night with the cold certainty that Castiel is gone once again, and even when he has the angel in his arms he can't calm down. He can't go back to sleep, so he spends the rest of the night holding Cas and listening to him breathing.

 _I'd rather die terrified than live forever._

  
"It's my fault," Castiel whispers against Dean's shoulder, "forgive me, you wouldn't be suffering like this if I hadn't..."

Dean shakes his head. "Don't even think about it," he replies. All those other timelines, those different futures, to him they were never even an option. The worlds in which the Apocalypse destroys everything, the worlds in which Michael claims him as his vessel, even the ones in which his mother doesn't die and he has a normal life and never meets Castiel... To Dean, that's unthinkable.

He stares at the darkness and keeps holding on to Castiel and hopes it will be enough to protect him, and he knows it will never be enough, but it's better than the alternative.


End file.
